Yes, a post-graduate resurrection

I graduated from college this spring and this fall I've been studying as a graduate student.

A lot has happened in my life since I've made semi-regular posts, and I hope to share some of this wisdom and personal growth on this blog.

With the holidays coming up, and some free time coming with it, I will be bringing this blog back to where it deserves to be. Powered with Tumblr, I hope I can make this blog--about love, hope, compassion, and everything in between--worth while.

A post-graduation resurrection?

Because I'm graduating in a 5 and a half weeks, I hope to have a lot more spare time. In tandem with this free time, I feel compelled to pick this blog up again because I've become aware of a few really important issues that I wish to discuss. I'm excited to have my school-induced stress levels reduced to a small portion of what it is is now, but also to get back into writing about love, relationships, and how to live your life the best way possible.

Until then, remember that love can solve anything.

Welcoming Questions

Have a question of your own? Need some advice? Dude, totally hit me up. (I'm even willing to have an open debate if you feel there needs to be one.)

E-mail me at: trayofmuffins@gmail.com with whatever you might need help with, and I'll gladly respond to your writing openly here on my blog.

Don't worry, I won't post your name or e-mail address, etc., unless given permission explicitly to do so.

Back from the depths of the internet: Confidence, Round 2

It's been way too long since I made my last post. My last post was more than two weeks before Halloween! So much has happened since then. Several times I've considered writing again, and I've decided to finally give it another shot. I'm having trouble keeping up with my other blog, but I'm usually much more compelled to write in this blog anyway!

Now that awkward spiel is out of the way, I suppose I should make my awkward transition to a topic I'm not sure how to open. I'd like to talk about confidence, because we'd all love to have some of that pie, right!?

I love confidence. Everyone loves confidence. You might not know or notice, but confidence is usually one of the best things a person can possess. Confidence is applicable in a lot of areas, not just romantic ones (for instance, getting that really awesome job at Kmart you've always wanted). Confidence works wonders in the love department nonetheless. I have this friend--let's say his name is Paolo, because that's a really sweet name--who is definitely very fun, personable, outgoing, and goofy. I think it's the goofiness that gets me the most, because it's his most defining feature in my opinion. Paolo gets more girls than god, lemme tell you. I'm always impressed how many girls he gets. Thing is, he's not a player douchebag either. He can get any girl he wants because he is extremely confident. Confidence owns all.

Granted, I lack confidence all the time. A couple of posts ago, I said... "the only time I was confident was the day after a random hook up. I could tell there was something different about me because I would get looks from girls and turn heads in the cafeteria. It was a great feeling to feel that confident, and when you are that confident, one seems to exude confidence which in most people’s minds is quite sexy. Confidence conquers." My claim to fame recently is crossing girls off my list left and right at the end of this summer following an absolutely crushing blow to my self esteem, confidence, and general well being. I had to prove to myself I could do it, and I did it, and it was easy. It felt great to know I could get girls if I wanted to. This sounds kinda slutty I admit, but it doesn't have to be really.

Let's say you're currently in a pickle: you're single and very aware of it. You're very single, very, very aware of it, and it's making you sad. I've been there too many times and it sucks, I know. In situations like this, you can't sit back and wait for someone to find you because that's a lot less likely to happen. Being pro active is a much better route. Trust me. Especially at a lot of schools where the female-to-male ratio is heavily tipped in the female end, it can be really hard for single girls in this situation to lure boys. Here's what I would do in a situation like this:

First of all, I'd question why I'm going after boys at a school like that, since I'm straight, but that's besides the point. The hardest part by FAR is getting in touch the the person you're crushing on (quite frankly, it's kinda silly not to have a crush or two--goals--to focus on). This can be made really easy if you share a class with them, because you can ask them you can copy their notes, study with them for an exam, ask for help on a paper, etc. Even if you kinda have to go out of your way to find common ground with them (like saying you're really interested in that topic of the class too even if you're not), it's the most important part. If you don't have a class with them, hopefully you know someone who is friends with them. If you don't have any classes with them and you don't know any mutual connections, it can be tricky but it's not the end of the world.

I wouldn't suggest creepily adding them on Facebook. It probably won't work. I'm more in favor of complimenting them in some way in the cafeteria, the cafe, the library, the pool, the sauna where you buy your crack, etc., as a means of making contact with them. Really short conversations are a good way to get your feet wet and to get that someone to notice you. They'll recognize your face, the way you look, and your voice. You can slowly work your way up from there. I like to use humor and silliness as a way to bridge these first few gaps, with something like, "Oh bother, you're not wearing your awesome Pikachu shirt today. I'm bumming." It's an easy ice breaker, and unless they're a total douche, they should reply with a smile and hopefully something in response that you can build into a short conversation. Just be sure to not hold them down for too long or seem desperate. Pretend someone really cute likes you when you're talking to them to boost your confidence. Better yet, if there's a chance of seeing them, wear your favorite shirt to make you feel more comfortable and you'll be more confident as a result. It works.

After you've made some initial contact, it's important to try to see them on more of a regular basis. I really like having lunch or dinner or studying in a common area. It's important to not be all creepy and be like "OH HAI SO LIKE SINCE I LIKE YOUR PIKACHU SHIRT AND I SAID SOMETHING FUNNY, YOU WANNA WRITE ESSAYS TOGETHER IN MY ROOM WITH OUR PANTS OFF?" Dinner in the cafeteria or studying in the library is a really easy thing to suggest for several reasons: one, it's something you do every day and can be worked out if it might not work for a few days due to clashing of schedules. Two, it's very non threatening because they're in well known, public places where a lot of people spend a lot of time anyway. Three, it's a laid back atmosphere and can also be a great social atmosphere. I'd suggest to go with a few more friends to make it easier on you and to not make it seem completely obvious that it's a date. Just be careful: you don't wanna spend too much attention on your friends rather than your target, because that's just lame and doesn't make your guest feel as welcome.

After you've gotten to the stage where you've gotten to know them a bit, include them to bigger things. Maybe to the campus theater for a movie (where a lot of people will be), or if you're a little more gutsy, invite them to your suite or room for a group movie viewing. Don't be afraid to ask a few times if they can't join you the first time. Just don't text them every hour asking if they can make it. I hate this.

I'll end this very tired post by saying as a guy, I am usually very flattered when a girl walks up to me and tries to start a conversation. It takes a lot of guts to try to start a conversation with someone you might not know. It's important to be very open and inquire about them because a lot of people like talking about themselves, because a lot of people like attention. Just remember to hold your head high if it doesn't work out. There are more fish out there, I promise.

Living In The Moment

One of the most important principles I have gleaned thus far in my path into enlightenment in Buddhism is living in the moment.

Living in the moment makes everything much, much more simple.

Not living in the moment is an excellent way to build up stress. Not living in the moment means one of two things: you’re either contemplating the past or thinking about the future. Of course there are exceptions (e.g. reminiscing, looking forward to starting a family in a few years), but in general thinking about the past and future is stressful, whether you see it or not.

The past is currently a series of unchangeable events and therefore should not be pondered (in a negative light). Regretting the past does you no good whatsoever; regretting the past only causes emotional distress and is entirely avoidable. You cannot change the past. At all. Don’t fret about it. Instead of regretting the past, learn from your mistakes and apply this wisdom to your future life and make changes accordingly.

Fretting about the future is equally avoidable. Granted, since the future has not come to past, it is harder to keep a cool head about something that will be stressful in the future. Yeah, that genetics exam might be really hard, but stressing over the exam a week ahead of time will only make your week up until the exam exceedingly stressful. Stressing over future events only makes the current day more stressful than it needs to be. Take each day at a time in preparation for a future event.

By looking forward to an event an undisclosed amount of time in the future, you diminish the quality of the moment you are currently in. A lot of people often look forward to something, say a vacation, and fail to appreciate the here and now. This is important for two main reasons: one, the here and now may be just as important as the future (and could be equally appreciated), and two, by looking forward (e.g. “Like OMG I like CANNOT WAIT for so and so), you tend to regret the day you’re currently living, which makes life harder at that point in time. By always anticipating the future one forgets to appreciate what that day may hold and add stress by not enjoying, and even disliking, their current day/week, etc. leading up until that totally radical vacation with your cute little boyfriend, etc.

Appreciating the here and now makes the current time much more enjoyable. This picture is a little silly, but I remember this moment pretty well even though it happened quite some time ago. My friends and I were just casually hanging out while one of them was proctoring one of the university buildings here on campus, and it was a blast during an ordinary time. /end awkward silly caption

Living in the moment does three things: it prevents your from regretting the past (reducing stress), prevents you from fretting about the future (reducing stress), but most importantly allows you to appreciate the here and now. This last part is commonly over looked. It might be as simple as appreciating the beauty of a bed of flowers, or an ephemeral feeling experienced through out your day. By appreciating the little things during your day, you will find your day will be much more manageable and enjoyable. Don’t stress the negative things. Appreciate the positive things. Live and love and learn.

If Love's A Word, That You Say...

In my previous post about Asthenia, one of the points I talked about was loving everyone. Hatred and disdain are easy emotions to feel, and it takes courage to love, especially when most other people would go about things differently (i.e. taking a negative route). The following entry is a brief introduction into love and compassion.

Someone is a lot more likely to respond positively to love and affection than hostility. This is a no brainer, but people get caught up in things and become frustrated quickly and resort to less than kind interactions. Even though someone may act negatively toward you, to respond negatively yourself will only make the initial problem worse. In stead, look past the rudeness and be the better person and act kindly toward them. This will either make them feel better and change their attitude or make them angrier (which isn’t as good in the whole scheme of things, but will make you a better person and feel better about yourself). Funny how that can work though, right? Not everyone responds well to positivity. There is a difference between being positive back and being sarcastic. Sarcasm is just as bad as negativity.

Don’t force love onto other people. Forcing people to change doesn’t help anything and can make the problem only worse. Lead by example. The best way to help people change and become happier is to love them and lead by example. If someone sees how happy you are, you’d kinda think they’d want to change things themselves. These sort of things don’t happen over night unfortunately. Patience is a virtue.

Forgive and forget. This is something I need to work on myself. There is a difference however between forgiving someone and letting someone back in your life. For example, say a friend of yours betrayed you and it really hurt. It’ll do you good in the long run if you can eventually forgive the person. Additionally, it’ll do you good to show no hostility toward the person who betrayed you, because that only creates additional negative energy that you don’t need and will only cause you more stress. However, it’s a judgment call as to whether you want to renew or continue a relationship with that person. In the past, I’ve overlooked some pretty crappy things my friends have done to me, only for them to repeat offenses. But forgiving someone is the first step to moving on. It really is. I promise.

With love, along should come empathy and compassion. To understand where someone comes from is important to understand how and why he or she acts the way they do. Granted, some people are weak and prey upon the giving hands of others, but because they are not in the majority, you should not treat everyone like they are trying to take advantage of you. This being said, it is important to have boundaries when trying to love and help people. It’s not always easy.

It’s really frustrating to see compassionless people in the world. A lot of people think only for themselves and don’t see how the world around them is affected by their actions. Compassion is an extremely important virtue, and should be practiced every day of your life. Do you really want to come off as a sociopath?

“If love’s a word,
That you say,
Say it, I will listen.”
Start The Machine, Angels & Airwaves

Starting The Machine

“In leaving the desolation and negativity behind, you find something beautiful.”

- Tom DeLonge

Besides love, leaving desolation is the primary topic of this blog. This entry is a general overview (as many of my early entries will be) and will be revisited later on. It’s an extremely important and personal topic for me. The scenarios range from the depressed high school pariah, to the over stressed college student who can’t keep their life together on top of all their classes, and, after too many broken hearts have had enough. While desolation can be found in all of us, it’s extremely sensitive to younger people who don’t have as much experience dealing with problems, stress, depression, etc., and resort to drastic measures.

What’s the point of trying to leave desolation when things just get worse? No matter how hard you try, things just fall apart… so what’s the point? What’s the point of getting better when the world sucks? When the world is place full of pain and suffering? Desolation will always remain with such overwhelmingly cynical thoughts. Not many people have succeeded in life by thinking they will probably fail, so it’s not worth trying.

The fact of the matter is, the world around you is the world you project for yourself. Instead of a world that sucks and is falling apart, the world you see could be one that needs to be fixed and can be fixed. There is no such thing as impossible. Hell, the 2004 Red Sox came back after being down 3-0 in the ALCS against the NEW YORK YANKEES to win the pennant and go on to win the World Series after not winning one for 86 years (I apologize to any Yankees fans for the reference, and I apologize for that run-on sentence).

Hope. Leaving desolation is impossible without hope. Without hope a person cannot properly function. Hope is an easy thing to obtain if you try hard enough. Just because something failed doesn’t mean everything will fail. Perhaps you haven’t found the right combination to make things work.

Personally, my attitude was the number one thing wrong with me. I hated a lot of things. It didn’t help I kept negative people around me who kept bringing me down. I kept myself in a miserable cycle until I realized things would keep being this way unless I changed it. I had very little to no hope. As I’ve said before, don’t worry about things you can’t change. Just worry about the things you can change, and address things from there. If you take things one at a time, you’ll start to worry less about the things that trouble you, and things get easier.

Leaving desolation has been the hardest thing for me so far in my life. Digging yourself out of a deep hole filled with obstacles is no easy task. It might be as simple as writing all your problems and worries out on paper, laundry list style. From there, you can break down each of your problems: why is it a problem? What makes this problem worse? Why is this problem pertinent? Etc. Building off a breakdown of your problems, you can look at how you can fix them. Drastic changes need to be made in baby steps for most people, and there is nothing shameful in making these changes in a slow manner.

However, it is important these slow changes are done with persistence. Just because you might be making slow progress toward a series of goals doesn’t mean you can take a break. Diets rarely work if you take a small break to have a candy bar or two. Persevering through your small steps toward your goal is incredibly important. Break down your goals into smaller, more manageable pieces and proceed in a comfortable manner that will allow accomplishing your outlined goals.

When times get rough I keep reminding myself, “In leaving the desolation and negativity behind, you find something beautiful.” Focus on how you want to change your life and remind yourself that once you get there, your life will be a lot easier. Once you have your life on a track that’s suitable to you, it’ll be easier to deal with stresses that come along your way in daily life.

Leaving a state of desolation is the number one priority for individuals in any situation such as the ones previously discussed. Life is too short to be living a life you don’t appreciate. It is too difficult to life a life of desolation, especially when life can be hard as it is already. But by rising above and leaving desolation, you build a stronger you, which will be more fit and able to deal with the stresses of everyday life.