Confidence & Loving Yourself

I wrote earlier about how loving yourself was one of the first steps to making the world a better place, because before you can love others you have to love yourself. I spent a lot of time through high school hating myself because I couldn’t get anything right. I was a loner and couldn’t hold a girlfriend to save my life. Needless to say, it was a pretty miserable time.

Loving Yourself

After listening to the wisdom of a lot of friends, love interests, and role models, I accepted the fact I had to learn to love myself before I could truly love someone else. Learning to love yourself has multiple bright sides in addition to loving others. Most importantly, if you love yourself you will be much happier with yourself and in turn will be a much happier person. Instead of thinking about what a total loser you are who has very few perks, you can learn to appreciate why you make such a good, fun person.

Confidence

Secondly, it totally boosts your confidence. Before I learned to love myself for who I was, the only time I was confident was the day after a random hook up. I could tell there was something different about me because I would get looks from girls and turn heads in the cafeteria. It was a great feeling to feel that confident, and when you are that confident, one seems to exude confidence which in most people’s minds is quite sexy. Confidence conquers.

If you find yourself falling short of confidence, my friend Bridget told me to think about how someone loves you at all times. This could be a friend or a family member, but it works. If you’re in public and you’re thinking about how cool your friend Rich is, and well, if Rich thinks you’re pretty cool, then hot damn, you must be really cool! BAM! People take notice of your confidence and it makes life easier. It might just get you laid, too.

I wonder about the people (usually women) who bounce from relationship to relationship because they can’t seem to stay single ever. One of my friends and former love interests said she needed to take a break from dating (and unfortunately for me wouldn’t date me) because she had been in too long of a string of relationships, and she hadn’t learned to love and appreciate herself. This would then make sense to me that people who are in these string of relationships either have low self esteem, low confidence, are weak people and always need to latch onto someone, or they’re fucking Matt Damon (no pun intended, Sarah Silverman) and easily pick up chicks because they’re so fucking awesome! That’s quite a few different explanations (and by no means in close to an exhaustive list), so let’s look at a few of them.

Self Esteem

Low self esteem and confidence are pretty much the same thing. They can be divided however. You could be totally down with who you are and dig your style, but lack the confidence to attract a mate (if that’s what you’re after—it might be a job you’re trying to get but don’t feel like you can make the cut). Let’s look at self esteem for a minute. Roots of self esteem could be broken down into two major sections: one, feeling confident/comfortable with your looks/body, and two, feeling comfortable with your personal/social life.

Body Image

Feeling comfortable with your body is a big problem for a lot of people. If you think there’s really nothing you can do here, remember that confidence and outgoing, funny personalities can more than make up for not being, say, a 7 or higher (or however your looks scale works in your head). I myself am attracted to women who are cute but more importantly have a great personality. I consider myself pretty close to 0 on the Kinsey scale, but I have on more than one occasion found myself attracted to a guy who had a crazy awesome personality. Granted I didn’t want anything sexual from these guys, but there was still an initial attraction.

If you’re (a little bit) heavy, work on losing some weight. Losing weight is, as many things I have so far discussed, difficult. Now, I’ve been so far blessed with excellent genes and a fast metabolism (maybe too fast?), but I’m a science kid so hear me out. First of all, you need to watch what you eat. High fructose corn syrup is probably your worst enemy. Why? Well, when you digest sugar, your body makes a “decision”: let’s turn this sugar into energy your body can use or turn this sugar into fat and store it. When digesting high fructose corn syrup, your body doesn’t make this decision. It gets directly converted into fat. Sucks, doesn’t it? If you watch an episode of Dallas (or any TV show from the early 80s or earlier), you’ll notice how everyone is extremely skinny. It’s not because they’re actors, it’s because everyone was skinny. Why? Partly due to high fructose corn syrup. I kid you not. High fructose corn syrup is in A LOT of things these days, but it got one of its biggest starts in soda. This is why we’re seeing an obesity epidemic.

Try to cut out as much excess sugar and high fructose corn syrup from your diet. That means drinking water or milk at dinner instead of Pepsi. The other day I saw this obese boy buying a bottle of water and I was thinking, “Yeah! You go kid!” But then I saw what was in his other hand: a snack packed with high fructose corn syrup. For the loss (loss in life, not weight).

You also gotta effin’ exercise. It can take a little while for your body to start losing the weight, so don’t give up. You should also start slow if you’re not already exercising. I’ve tried picking up running several times but always failed because I’d run out of steam too quickly and I got sick of it. I realized that running at a slower pace allowed me to ease into running and get the blood and endorphins going. In addition to getting in better shape, I’m convinced those endorphins are having an extremely positive impact on my brain chemistry. I wouldn’t be surprised if I become addicted to running, just for that runner’s high. It’s sooo good. I promise. Baby steps.

You can always try a new haircut or something else fun, to spice things up. You can also try changing your wardrobe, or trying to wear your favorite clothes when you need an extra boost. A couple miserable days this summer I picked out my most favorite clothes for work, and it definitely increased my mood and confidence. Your favorite clothes (as long as they’re not appalling or clashing) will make you more comfortable and relaxed.

Loving yourself can also help you get past any flaws you think you may have. Some people might find your flaws an added sexy bonus. You never know.

Social Interactions

Self esteem is also built on your social status. Don’t under estimate what a lose group of friends can do to build/boost your confidence and make you happier in general. Saying hello to people you sort of know is a great way to let people know you’re friendly and outgoing. This is something I myself need to work on. Having acquaintances shouldn’t be overlooked. Being able to say hi or wave to 3 or 4 different people while walking through the café trying to finding a seat can really make you feel at home and comfortable. You also don’t need a large group of friends. Personally, I’d rather have a few close friends but have found myself having more acquaintances lately, which is totally cool too. Having solid acquaintances increases connections, which might mean you get invited to a party with a whole bunch of new people.

Even though confidence plays a role in both side of self esteem as I broke it down, I think confidence in yourself is more important when dealing with your social status. If you always tell yourself you’re a totally awesome kid (without letting it go to your head), your confidence will increase and you’ll gain friends, unless everyone’s doing heroin and strung out. This brings me to my next point: avoid heroin addicts and places with above average use of heroin. I don’t think you’ll find friends there.

Self Reliance

If you can’t love and appreciate yourself, it can make being single really, really difficult. I think this is why some people go through relationship after another, because they need to be with someone else in order to be appreciated. I sort of felt this way while being single all through high school, but I’ve been able to since learn to appreciate myself to not make it matter. Being in a relationship totally helps your confidence/self esteem.

If you can’t love and appreciate yourself, you could totally put yourself in a deep hole too. I’ve gone through periods like this myself, where I hated myself which only made everything else worse in the girl department, because no one wanted to jump my emo bones. Emo bones aren’t that sexy. (I’d like to differentiate skinny jean bones from emo bones: emo bones are melancholy and morose, whereas skinny jean bones are just plain sexy, unless you don’t have the body type for them.)

I wrote a lot there and not all of it is relevant for some people, so I’ll try to summarize this business for you:
1.) You have to learn to love yourself and become comfortable with yourself before you can love others and have others love you.
2.) Building confidence is the best way to do this and may take quite a few small steps to get where you want to be. Get in shape (for yourself, not other people) and change your look if it makes you feel more sexy or comfortable with yourself
3.) Being comfortable with yourself will make attracting lovers and friends much easier. Being comfortable and being confident often go hand in hand.
4.) Being confident and being able to love yourself will not only make you happier, but will put you in better shape for lulls or bad times in life.

“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” - Unknown

Asthenia

This was my profile picture a little while back, and I have the following caption underneath it: "I got my bow tie and my space helmet. So ready to venture the cosmos! I just hope I don't experience asthenia!" Another one of my music heroes, Pouyan Afkary of Scary Kids Scaring Kids commented on my picture saying, "As long as your attitude exists, there is hope for a better future."

"[The song Asthenia] is about one thing only, an astronaut sitting in a space capsule about the size of a car, floating above the earth. He's contemplating if even coming back or not will make a difference on such a negative place. A song about the loss of hope. A term was coined for the breakdown of life in space and it is called Asthenia."
- Tom DeLonge

So far I’ve mentioned Tom and his work quite a few times. This is because Tom’s music has been seminal in my quest to change and love life. Even though a lot of music fans don’t appreciate him, he’s my favorite musician. I think part of his goal in writing music is to influence (younger) people and show them the good things in life, although this is a common goal amongst musicians.

I think the concept of Asthenia highlights many common (mis)conceptions about our wold. There is quite a lot wrong with our planet: global climate change, overpopulation, disease, starvation, poverty, fighting over land among other issues. I think it’s important to realize there’s very little you can do about these problems on a global scale. But there’s plenty you can do on a singular level.

One: you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Knowing and loving yourself can take quite some time. I’m still learning who I am and I’m always changing, so it can be a challenge. I get frustrated with myself on occasion, thus it can be difficult to love myself.

It’s funny… after my recent break up I felt like complete shit and had no confidence. Partly due to my aching heart, and partly to prove to myself I could find other women, I found myself moving on to other women pretty quickly after. Part of loving yourself is having confidence. You might not have confidence in your near future or the world around you, but knowing you can do anything you set your mind to will get you started in the right direction.

Two: even though you might now want to at sometimes, and even though a lot of people in this world are complete assholes who don’t deserve second chances, you should try to love everyone. Ever stop to think that the recluse who wears funny clothes and hates everyone goes through his or her life that way because everyone else hates them? I believe to a certain extent everyone can be a good person. Some people are weaker than others and fall into a trap where they exude too much negative energy to allow anyone in. My advice is to work on people to let you in, let others into your life, and try to love everyone. Hate is an easy emotion, but loving someone takes guts.

Three: keep your chin up. Yeah, life totally sucks sometimes. Sometimes, I want to give up and get rid of everything. But you know what? I press on. In my times of “despair”, I try to remember the things that make me happy. The things that make me laugh. The things that make me smile. The things in life I appreciate. A friend once told me to look at life like a wave: sometimes you have bad days and others you’ll have good days. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the bad days. Just keep riding that wave until you come back up again. I sometimes forget this and get frustrated with myself when things are going poorly again. It happens.

Four: the world will continue to be the crappy, horrible, depressing place… unless you fix it. Yes, it does seem overwhelming, but by adopting a negative attitude, the world will not get better. A single person can have an incredibly impact on their surroundings. Love, passion, and kindness are infectious. Things might not always proceed in a positive linear fashion, but giving up will never accomplish anything.

My best friend in the world has had a pretty rough life, and I don’t know how he keeps going. Our relationship was pretty sure until he saw me break down for the first time. I cried for the first time in years and poured my heart out to him. I didn’t feel like I was going anywhere, and I knew if I took my life he might not go on without me. I remember very clearly him saying it was like seeing me naked for the first time. Since then we’ve been a solid foundation and the best of friends. I think it’s important to try to find at least one person you can share this sort of relationship with. The human race is a social one. Find someone you can love no matter what happens.

Five: take your week one day at a time. While it never hurts to have weekly goals and to plan out your week, worrying about that exam on Friday is only going to make your life that much more stressful. Buddhism is a lot about living in the moment you’re in. Don’t stress the past because you can’t change it, and don’t stress the future but it’ll only become harder if you do. On my busiest days of the school week, I certainly don’t want to get out of bed at 8:30 (early for a college student) and go to my million lectures, labs and meetings. Sometimes it helps to wake up and say out loud: “I’m going to kick today’s ass!”

“If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn’t change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank god
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
"The whole wide world is mine”
- Rite of Spring, Angels & Airwaves

Here we go, life's waiting to begin

Almost a year and a half year ago, I was a first year in college continuing down a bad stretch of depression. I was depressed through most of high school, and my first semester of college had left me in a pretty deep hole. A few weeks into my second semester, I saw one of my favorite bands in concert: Angels & Airwaves. Front man Tom DeLonge stood on stage and said this: "I wanted to create music that made you feel like you were lifting off." That night, my life changed. I stood there in the crowd and realized I had not been living any sort of life I really wanted to. It was then I decided to change my life, and so I have.

Life since then has not been all whiskers on kittens. In fact, it’s been a pretty rough year and a half, with a lot of ups and downs. I’ve had my heart broken twice, once just recently in addition to being served the ultimate, heartless, passionless betrayal. Filled with anger, sadness and hopelessness, I was dreading the start of my junior year of college, especially since I was supposed to live with the backstabbing asshole who betrayed me.

Leaving Desolation

I had come to the realization a few weeks before school I couldn’t change the past, or how my ex-girlfriend started dating my “friend”, a week after telling me she wanted me and only me. The only thing I could change… was how I felt about it. A fundamental part of Buddhist thought is based upon changing how you feel about things, and living here and now. I have since adopted this as one of my most dear pieces of wisdom. The things in life you cannot change are not worth worrying about.

I managed to switch housing assignments have since moved on. I have a nice new roommate, but he’s never around. Things are looking up and I’m a lot more confident about things. Tonight, I came across an old interview with Tom DeLonge. In it, Tom discussed one of my favorite songs, Start The Machine. In the final line of the excerpt I read, Tom says, “in leaving the desolation and negativity behind, you find something beautiful.”

I audibly gasped when I read that quote. Only by leaving desolation and negativity have I been able to move on, and I’m finding beautiful things. This blog is about love, and how powerful it is. I am an optimist, but have had to accept I will have good days and bad days. My intention is to explore these thoughts (among other things in life) with the hope of finding a balance that will make me happy.