Confidence & Loving Yourself

I wrote earlier about how loving yourself was one of the first steps to making the world a better place, because before you can love others you have to love yourself. I spent a lot of time through high school hating myself because I couldn’t get anything right. I was a loner and couldn’t hold a girlfriend to save my life. Needless to say, it was a pretty miserable time.

Loving Yourself

After listening to the wisdom of a lot of friends, love interests, and role models, I accepted the fact I had to learn to love myself before I could truly love someone else. Learning to love yourself has multiple bright sides in addition to loving others. Most importantly, if you love yourself you will be much happier with yourself and in turn will be a much happier person. Instead of thinking about what a total loser you are who has very few perks, you can learn to appreciate why you make such a good, fun person.

Confidence

Secondly, it totally boosts your confidence. Before I learned to love myself for who I was, the only time I was confident was the day after a random hook up. I could tell there was something different about me because I would get looks from girls and turn heads in the cafeteria. It was a great feeling to feel that confident, and when you are that confident, one seems to exude confidence which in most people’s minds is quite sexy. Confidence conquers.

If you find yourself falling short of confidence, my friend Bridget told me to think about how someone loves you at all times. This could be a friend or a family member, but it works. If you’re in public and you’re thinking about how cool your friend Rich is, and well, if Rich thinks you’re pretty cool, then hot damn, you must be really cool! BAM! People take notice of your confidence and it makes life easier. It might just get you laid, too.

I wonder about the people (usually women) who bounce from relationship to relationship because they can’t seem to stay single ever. One of my friends and former love interests said she needed to take a break from dating (and unfortunately for me wouldn’t date me) because she had been in too long of a string of relationships, and she hadn’t learned to love and appreciate herself. This would then make sense to me that people who are in these string of relationships either have low self esteem, low confidence, are weak people and always need to latch onto someone, or they’re fucking Matt Damon (no pun intended, Sarah Silverman) and easily pick up chicks because they’re so fucking awesome! That’s quite a few different explanations (and by no means in close to an exhaustive list), so let’s look at a few of them.

Self Esteem

Low self esteem and confidence are pretty much the same thing. They can be divided however. You could be totally down with who you are and dig your style, but lack the confidence to attract a mate (if that’s what you’re after—it might be a job you’re trying to get but don’t feel like you can make the cut). Let’s look at self esteem for a minute. Roots of self esteem could be broken down into two major sections: one, feeling confident/comfortable with your looks/body, and two, feeling comfortable with your personal/social life.

Body Image

Feeling comfortable with your body is a big problem for a lot of people. If you think there’s really nothing you can do here, remember that confidence and outgoing, funny personalities can more than make up for not being, say, a 7 or higher (or however your looks scale works in your head). I myself am attracted to women who are cute but more importantly have a great personality. I consider myself pretty close to 0 on the Kinsey scale, but I have on more than one occasion found myself attracted to a guy who had a crazy awesome personality. Granted I didn’t want anything sexual from these guys, but there was still an initial attraction.

If you’re (a little bit) heavy, work on losing some weight. Losing weight is, as many things I have so far discussed, difficult. Now, I’ve been so far blessed with excellent genes and a fast metabolism (maybe too fast?), but I’m a science kid so hear me out. First of all, you need to watch what you eat. High fructose corn syrup is probably your worst enemy. Why? Well, when you digest sugar, your body makes a “decision”: let’s turn this sugar into energy your body can use or turn this sugar into fat and store it. When digesting high fructose corn syrup, your body doesn’t make this decision. It gets directly converted into fat. Sucks, doesn’t it? If you watch an episode of Dallas (or any TV show from the early 80s or earlier), you’ll notice how everyone is extremely skinny. It’s not because they’re actors, it’s because everyone was skinny. Why? Partly due to high fructose corn syrup. I kid you not. High fructose corn syrup is in A LOT of things these days, but it got one of its biggest starts in soda. This is why we’re seeing an obesity epidemic.

Try to cut out as much excess sugar and high fructose corn syrup from your diet. That means drinking water or milk at dinner instead of Pepsi. The other day I saw this obese boy buying a bottle of water and I was thinking, “Yeah! You go kid!” But then I saw what was in his other hand: a snack packed with high fructose corn syrup. For the loss (loss in life, not weight).

You also gotta effin’ exercise. It can take a little while for your body to start losing the weight, so don’t give up. You should also start slow if you’re not already exercising. I’ve tried picking up running several times but always failed because I’d run out of steam too quickly and I got sick of it. I realized that running at a slower pace allowed me to ease into running and get the blood and endorphins going. In addition to getting in better shape, I’m convinced those endorphins are having an extremely positive impact on my brain chemistry. I wouldn’t be surprised if I become addicted to running, just for that runner’s high. It’s sooo good. I promise. Baby steps.

You can always try a new haircut or something else fun, to spice things up. You can also try changing your wardrobe, or trying to wear your favorite clothes when you need an extra boost. A couple miserable days this summer I picked out my most favorite clothes for work, and it definitely increased my mood and confidence. Your favorite clothes (as long as they’re not appalling or clashing) will make you more comfortable and relaxed.

Loving yourself can also help you get past any flaws you think you may have. Some people might find your flaws an added sexy bonus. You never know.

Social Interactions

Self esteem is also built on your social status. Don’t under estimate what a lose group of friends can do to build/boost your confidence and make you happier in general. Saying hello to people you sort of know is a great way to let people know you’re friendly and outgoing. This is something I myself need to work on. Having acquaintances shouldn’t be overlooked. Being able to say hi or wave to 3 or 4 different people while walking through the café trying to finding a seat can really make you feel at home and comfortable. You also don’t need a large group of friends. Personally, I’d rather have a few close friends but have found myself having more acquaintances lately, which is totally cool too. Having solid acquaintances increases connections, which might mean you get invited to a party with a whole bunch of new people.

Even though confidence plays a role in both side of self esteem as I broke it down, I think confidence in yourself is more important when dealing with your social status. If you always tell yourself you’re a totally awesome kid (without letting it go to your head), your confidence will increase and you’ll gain friends, unless everyone’s doing heroin and strung out. This brings me to my next point: avoid heroin addicts and places with above average use of heroin. I don’t think you’ll find friends there.

Self Reliance

If you can’t love and appreciate yourself, it can make being single really, really difficult. I think this is why some people go through relationship after another, because they need to be with someone else in order to be appreciated. I sort of felt this way while being single all through high school, but I’ve been able to since learn to appreciate myself to not make it matter. Being in a relationship totally helps your confidence/self esteem.

If you can’t love and appreciate yourself, you could totally put yourself in a deep hole too. I’ve gone through periods like this myself, where I hated myself which only made everything else worse in the girl department, because no one wanted to jump my emo bones. Emo bones aren’t that sexy. (I’d like to differentiate skinny jean bones from emo bones: emo bones are melancholy and morose, whereas skinny jean bones are just plain sexy, unless you don’t have the body type for them.)

I wrote a lot there and not all of it is relevant for some people, so I’ll try to summarize this business for you:
1.) You have to learn to love yourself and become comfortable with yourself before you can love others and have others love you.
2.) Building confidence is the best way to do this and may take quite a few small steps to get where you want to be. Get in shape (for yourself, not other people) and change your look if it makes you feel more sexy or comfortable with yourself
3.) Being comfortable with yourself will make attracting lovers and friends much easier. Being comfortable and being confident often go hand in hand.
4.) Being confident and being able to love yourself will not only make you happier, but will put you in better shape for lulls or bad times in life.

“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” - Unknown